I’m fine. 

It’s just what everyone ,- and when I say everyone I mean EVERY-FUCKING-ONE,- chooses to say when asked “how are you”,”are you ok”,”how are you feeling”?
It’e the first thought, the quick answer, the easy way out. It’s easier to pretend, to lie about yourself not in the name of bragging,but on the glorious steps of hiding. Someone makes the question and there you go, you have already spoken without even bothering of thinking the right thing to say.Your lips are already used to it.
What’s the inner problem?

What’s the big deal of speaking your feelings?
It’s fear. Fear of ignorance, fear of realization, fear of failure, fear of being laughed at, but most of all, fear of acceptance, of the fact sooner or later you’ll have to deal with it.
And all this fear comes as a massive result from all the times you’ve been hurt to the bone in the past. All the times someone -a friend or a lover- didn’t have mutual feelings, or all these times somehow you ended up alone and neglected and curled up in a ball in the corner of your bed. Or your mom’s bed.
All these times you wished you could just rewind time just for this once.

It’s small things that slowly, almost cruely someone could say,  try another hit in your confidence wall, in your trust to the world, to its people, in your heart, in your attitude, in your answers in the end. ‘Cause there’s that much you can take, that much you can tolerate, that much before you simply stop caring and prefer hiding than reacting , insolating than talking, backing down that coming forward and dealing with your inner fear, your inner thoughts and ofc dealing with yourself. ‘Cause who else are you running away from? Who’s more fragile and more dangerous than your own self? No one.
So you give up. You expect everyone to care, to give a shit, to ask more, when at the same you don’t put faith nor hope  in any kind of relationship and consider people ignorant and selfish, when literally you are the one pushing them away, pretending to be totally ok with your current life.

It all ends up into a never ending story, with you needing some support, some love, but failing handling alla the new chances you get to finally win someone’s shoulder.

So.. I’m fine.





23.04.12